i guess i should be happy. well, content, i suppose.

i know who my roommate will be now at SouthGate apartments. her name is kym. she's pretty nice, we have a lot of common interests. ive been talking to her the past couple nights via facebook. we have a lot of similarities- insomnia, anime, art, eating lots and lots of sushi, playing videogames and such, and so on. im glad i at least dont have to move in with someone random that i would most likely feel like choking at the end of the first week.

lets see. today i went to the mall by myself and bits and pieces of a couple novels. a sex novel, a manga, an astrology book. which reminds me! i bought my sixth astrology book and tore through it within a day. anyhow, aaron met me up at the mall after that. we got some tasty japanese fewd and then strolled around looking for sheets and comforters and stuff that we need when we move in to our homes-away-from-home. its pretty shitty that he's going to UCF and im going to FSU... sigh. such a wonderful guy.

anyhow, after just looking around and stuff we went into hot topic and i couldn't resist... i bought the sweetest Legend of Zelda tee evar.

speaking of which, ive started to notice a trend. im wearing a lot less revealing shirts than i used to. frankly, wearing something other than a sports bra and a t-shirt is kind of strange to me now. i cant help it. i dont feel the need anymore to flaunt my breasts with bra's that just dont fit right and push my titties together like a plumber's ass and wear a shirt so tight it's hard to breathe. .. this might be a little bit of an exaggeration, but, yeah.

ive been practicing with aaron's My Japanese Coach on his ds that he lent me. im going to give him my soulcal3 game in exchange for a cable that i need for my gamecube that my brother just so happened to lose. -.- no matter, however. that means that i only have a couple things left that i gotta get before moving to tally: another SNES controller, Super Metroid, Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, and PacMan2: The New Adventures.

i miss those games, and it would be fun to have them to play again since im bringing my SNES.

so, from the grapevine i heard that mat is engaged and that the wedding is soon. i dont want to comment about this anymore than that. i could write -pages- on how i feel about that. gross.

oh, i guess i should tell you that my car was about an inch away from exploding with me in it the other day. cost me $1,200 to get it repaired. now, keep in mind, before this happened i had been begging for a new laptop and even then my parents reaction signaled a slim-to-none chance of getting one. now im pretty much screwed.

tonight feels like one of those nights where i lay on top of my car listening to my ipod and watching the sky.

i think im going to go do that.

today sarah, michael, aaron, and i ventured out to the casbah and had a grand ole' time smoking hookah and eating mediterranean food. the day started a little rough, my brother was being a pain in the ass as usual so i got kind of irked when he wouldn't stop doing what i'd asked him to do the fifth time. irked is probably an understatement, after i felt like he hadn't listened to what i was asking the fifth time around, i yelled at him that i would send him to his room and have his friend go home, which got his attention and he stopped after that. then i had to bust ass after my dog that got out and started chasing after the ducks. i had to tackle his ass to get him to stop and drug him home.

now im about ready to hit the hay, but i figured i wanted to post pictures. ive had a lot of thinking and reflecting going on lately, and i wanted to make a little timeline for myself just to see how much ive changed over the years. i figure ill start from seventh grade and work my way up. it might seem like a lot, but it means something to me, i guess.



































i guess its hard to realize how much you can change.

all i can say is that it would be pretty amazing if i could get all my thoughts and feelings out on this page in one colloquial trail of thought. i guess it might be better if i backtrack and catch you up on how my life has been.

to start, ive completely exiled mat out of my life. i cant say how long it's been, because ive made it an effort to not associate his name with things or time. but, taking a shot in the dark, i would have to say its been a few months.

granted, it was hard. i would break and still talk to him on the phone a couple of times, but, all of that changed about two or so months ago. i guess you could say that he was meant for a maura who wasnt an adult yet. i tried to make it last after he went away to the navy, but i could feel myself growing up, the same feeling that i got that he wasn't growing up or changing much at all.

speaking of which, my parents, mostly my dad, that is, made comment(s) about how within such an abrupt amount of time i transformed from a teenager to a "young woman". i shrugged it off for the most part, but i -have- noticed a change in who i am and how i think.

anyway, well, within that short span of time i had a lot and nothing at all going for me. just a few short months ago all i did was sit around and play wow, but at least i was happy. at least i felt like i was doing something and not sitting at home all by myself, alone and unhappy. at least i was keeping my mind distracted.

i would talk about wow in my english class. i leveled significantly fast, considering it was my first "real" character and i was rolling a mage (cloth wearer, for those who don't play, meaning that when my character gets damaged, its a big ouchie).

anyway, one day, a friend of mine, lindy young, asked me to hang out at starbucks. after that we just sat around and talked, hung out a couple times, and he started playing wow with me. i rolled a paladin and was leveling with him. we had a lot of fun together, i guess as much fun as you can have on an mmorpg, that is. :]

so, finally, the question comes up. he asks me if i would like to go to prom with him. granted, this was four days before the actual prom. reluctant but feeling the end of the year approaching, i agreed. the next day we went shopping for a dress. i picked out this really pretty red one, simply because red was the color that matched his vest.

all was fine and dandy until the next day i went to school. numerous people swarmed me saying that lindy was saying this and lindy was saying that, and, mind you, they were pretty vulgar rumors. now, typically i dismiss rumors for what they are, but when it kept coming at me i just figured there was no way that these people all knew eachother. the final thing to really push my buttons was the fact that the night before lindy had kicked everyone out that was going to ride with us on the way to prom because, to keep it short, apparently he wanted to be alone so that he could try to "get some".

so, my reaction was that there was way too much drama being started for us to simply go as friends, and well, it did kind of sound suspicious to me that he would kick out all of his friends from riding in his car at the last second just so that it could be only me and him in his car, anyway.

but, the story picks up. i was kind of nerve-wracked at the fact that i no longer had a date, but a good friend of mine, jelissa, invited me to go with her group. so i did. we went to a habachi grill (i only ate delicious delicious delicious sushi! :]) and headed on our way.

we get there, and there he is, as gorgeous as he ever was the day i met him sophomore year, history class. hair pulled back into a small pony-tail and handsome as ever, shy, mysterious aaron phillips stood with a couple of his friends, namely robert perron and chet storey. for the most part i made it my mission to flirt with aaron that night, because i figured well why the hell not, the year is coming to a close and ive always felt a deep attraction toward him.

at one point in the night, i awkwardly made up an excuse that if i didnt get done putting away my high-heels (my feet were rediculously sore by that point), he had to dance with me. i walked away, put them up, and came back. i looked him in the eye and smiled just as the song finished. but, as fate would have it, our senior song came on afterward (five for fighting - 100 years). we ended up slow-dancing, and i could feel the hot burning in my cheeks as i looked into his brilliant chestnut-honey brown eyes. shy as ever, i tried to make simple conversation with him and slyly pulled him a little closer to me. i could tell he was a little embarrassed and a little shy, not knowing what to do. but shit, i wasn't complaining, this was the first time i had danced all night. it was very, very romantic and all i could think of was a voice telling me in the back of my head to just kiss him, just kiss him. i didnt, i was too shy.

i was invited to sarah ponte's party afterward, and aaron was going to be there. to summarize, we ended up sitting out on the dock for most of the night, just talking to eachother.

our courtship was simple and sweet. the first couple of times we hung out together we did silly things like draw together, and each time i could feel my attraction to him strengthening even more.

one night, as we were saying our goodbyes, he asks me, "so... is this what you call casual dating?"

at that question i just bursted out laughing. i replied, "well, yes and no. casual dating to me involves things like holding hands and kissing."

he held my hand. not too long after that, we were kissing for the first time.

weve been dating ever since. we went to grad bash together and friday night he let me just cry on his shoulder from being so stressed out. he's the most intelligent, funny, gorgeous, artistic, talented boy ive ever met. i only wish we had more time together.

he goes to ucf and i go to fsu in the fall. before we go off to collge, we have to say goodbye and let the relationship go. granted, were probably going to still talk, but we both decided early on that long-distance relationships dont work and it would be better to end something good than to drag on something slowly dying.

what ive learned from this is there are good men out there, and there might even be a good man out there for me one day. im never going to sell myself short again or let myself settle for something that's obviously not good enough for me. i can look at all my past relationships and i practically want to vomit because i knew they weren't any good for me. they were too stupid, too stubborn, too clingy, too immature.

this was a good weekend. i went to sarah's party after graduation, then to aaron's party saturday. today i just spent with aaron, he took me out to dinner and then to go see x-men origins: wolverine with sarah and we had a really good time. :] i applied for sally's beauty salon today for a summer job and hopefully they will contact me wednesday.

so, all i have to do this summer is enjoy my last remaining months as a kid under my parent's roof, my last remaining months of the roller-coaster ride that was eighteen years old, and my last remaining months seeing people that i wont see for a very long time to come.

to conclude, as of right now, for the first time, i can say that im happy being who i am and im happy with who im becoming and where i am heading in life.

go noles

Graduation is Friday, but I'm not ready. I'm at a stand-still in time right now spliced between two choices. Call it a fork in a road, but I couldn't tell you which path I'd rather take.

I'm not ready to be an adult and go off to big-girl school. I remember as a kid watching movies where someone grows up and finally goes off to college and in a way I kind of thought that day would never happen to me. I can remember when the second Goofy Movie came out and just thinking to myself like that day for me was decades away.

Now I sit, three days away. I've been waiting to be an adult for ten years, and here I am, only thinking about turning back the clock.

I know that college will be a new experience, and I know that I'll have Melody there with me, but the fact that I'm spreading my wings and fully flying away for an extended period for the first actual time in my life is a scary concept to grasp the full meaning, although simple in context.

Three days from now, I fall or fly.

I'm scared.

i am so excitedddddddd.


its friiiddaayyyyy!

spent the night over at chris' house last night
we played guitar hero
watched crank which is an awesome movie by the way
haha the sex scene made me feel all flustered

chris kept calling me yesterday but i was
already hanging out with chris
who gave me 20 dollars for gas money this morning
because i didnt have any ;-;
i felt bad for taking it
but im appreciative that i have such great friends ^-^
so i promised i woudl take him out to dinner
sometime this week to make up for it

got a shitton of mail from mat yesterday
he breaks my heart every time i have to
hear him asking me what im doing
and how he misses me
and if im being a good girl
because im trying to be

the plans for today are
florida virtual school
homework
ideas for concentration

oh man and im gonna make breakfast.
bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, sausage.

oh which reminds me.

when i get older if i ever find someone
that can make me happy enough
and i get married
and i have lil chillens
i want to be a stay at home mom
up until the kid is in first grade
or so.
ive become so interested in cooking
that my grandma has actually given
me some of her secret recipes
from back when she had her own
restaurant.

im so happy right now.

and no. i did not fight cecelia.
stop asking me.
(dammit, mr. shannon. you and your shit talking :P)

oh and gators won thursday. woot. go gators.

to start: im a fucking prodigy.
thats just how good ive felt these past couple of days.
im a big girl now, im all growed up.





ive got a few messages to people that id like to get off my chest.

the catch is, in all honesty, you'd be surprised at which one is directed to whom. no really, you would be.


1.

i used to think id always love you
but when i think about it now
all i can muster is how much of a whore you are
and how you tell anyone anything to get what you want
youre an 8-track record that wont stop skipping
playing the same lines, over and over and over again
im not stupid.
and the strange part is, im happy about this.
you dont think there's anything wrong.
because i havent told you yet.
you love me, i dont love you. and im happy that way.
how does it feel?
i care about you a ton. and ill always love you. im
just not -in- love with you anymore. i want to give
it another shot, but i dont have any sort of expectations
for you. you've failed miserably at everything else,
so why should this time be any different? and thats
why i dont love you anymore. i dont trust you.


2.

i think about you all the time. you were my best friend
every time i see your face and every time i think about you
i feel like changing the way things are.
but its too late, and theres no point.
i just wish that you felt the same way.
i wish you would show me that you do.
i wont change who i am, and i cant change what ive done and said.
but before the year ends and before i move away..
i want your forgiveness.
i still want you in my life.


3.

how does it feel to know that im in control? i trusted you and then you stab me in the back like that? people arent property, i know, but what you did was so completely unforgivable that i just cant even think about your name without a bad taste forming in my mouth.

i think youre so pretty. i remember how we used to laugh at stupid things. and how i had no friends. and you reached out to me.and i just appreciated everything you were. but then you go and do that to me and i cant do anything but resent everything you are and everything you stand for. i respect you and im jealous. i want to be better than you are in every single fucking way

i have such mixed feelings toward you. i want you to suffer so badly. i want you to cry and i want you to see how it fucking feels. i want you to taste my fucking wrath.i want you to squirm and i want your heart to break and i wish the worst upon you at all times.

but i want you to forgive me.i dont want to do this to you. i really dont. i dont want to see you hurt. it hurts me to see you hurt. i dont even know you anymore, but i cant help but feel responsible. i shouldnt care. i should do what you did. but i dont want to. and i do.

and i want you to forgive me. im human too and no vengeance is sweeter than taking away everything you ever had. im so jealous of you. i always was, even when we were friends. i hope you read this, and i think you will, because you still care about what im doing and you want to keep track of who im associating with. i do it too, dont worry.

im going to hit you so hard you wont be able to breathe. and im doing you a favor. brace yourself, the tide is turning. im in control now and you hate it. and im going to make you feel what i felt tenfold. that is your punishment, and until its completed, i wont forgive you.

4.

ive never been interested in you.
and i never will be.
we are just friends.
you know that.
i dont want to hurt you.
but it will never happen.
period.


5.

god i miss you.
i miss you so much.
i want to see you.
when you say you love me
do you mean it?
or do you just need someone
to love you? i cant be there
for you all the time. i cant hold
your hand anymore. i need you to
grow up. its time for you to be
a man and its time for you to
take care of me, like you always
said you would.
i have such mixed feelings about
you right now.

dont let me down.
you always did before.
and ill never ever
take you seriously if
you make the mistakes you made
again.

these pictures are dedicated to ashley.













i miss you.

so where to begin.

um i guess in order of things that have happened.

i thought i said already that i finally got a phone call from mat for the first time since he's been gone to the navy. i write him all the time and of course he always makes sure that he outdoes me in not only the quantity of letters but the length.

im very content, at the moment.

i talked to michael from brantley and i havent talked to him in three years. we've been chatting via-text, mostly.

i felt pretty today at school.
i have ap government/politics with olchelskwe and our class is huge but there are a ton of people im good friends with, for example, zach austin and ryan kelley.
i was pretty disruptive in mr. o's class today, i might add. he was going over the standard introduction crap telling us his background and all that jazz and that we can call him mr. o or mr. olchelskwe. of course i had to butt in and say, '... can i just call you josh?'

i made everyone laugh today. i took double my medication today so i was pretty wired and really optimistic.

i went into mr. shannons class four times today. the first time he wasn't there so i left him a message asking him where he was hiding on the board. the second time i just walked in and said MR SHANNON IM EXCITED. the third time i wakled in and said MR. SHANNON IM NOT EXCITED ANYMORE I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA PUKE. and the fourth time i was just in his class, fifth period.

mama made me a ham sandwich today but i didnt wanna eat it because it didnt taste good to me. but she made it with love and i didnt want to waste it and throw it away, so at lunch i had an auction of it. mr. pittman said he was full, cecelia doesnt like ham, dustin was eating his normal cafeteria food, two girls to the right of us looked at me like i was crazy, zach austin, joey burnett, and two other kids were tossing half of it around like it was play-dough (i stole it back from them, they disrespected my sammich)

finally john came up with his cute friend (whose name is ethan i found out today) and john took it and ate it so i was happy. ethan kept looking at me like he always does every day at lunch (but doesnt have the nerve to start a conversation?)

uh then i went back to shannons class and i was being loud. i got a 9 on my essay today (woohoo first 9 in ap language/lit ive ever gotten hah! take that!)

uhh then lets see oh we are starting our concentration in ap art drawing and i am choosing identity as my motif. i cant wait i am so excited you dont even know.

aaron finally watched tomorrows nobodies and we were laughing at all the quotes you can pull from it.

chris called me for the first time in ages about uhh a week ago? i was vury surprised that he was calling me but i shrugged it off and picked up the phone anyway. turns out that we've been talking on the phone for an average of nine hours a day since then.

currently were talking on aim....

this is what he says:

"the german word for the day is...."
".... eifersucht"

of course i had no idea what that meant but i lol'd

anyhow i better get back to doing my homework mr. taylor (ap environmental science) was a douche today so we have two days to outline chapter fifteen... then i gotta read chapter one in ap govt before i get to bed tonight...

so im quite content :D

oh by the way so ive been listening to "i feel like dying" by lil wayne lately... good song.

oh. my. god.

rule #1:

never. NEVER. read any of your past livejournal entries.

its horrifying.

i guess the reason i wrote it all down is so that i didn't have to remember it.

horrifying.

horrifying.

horrifying.

horrifying.